Subject Assignment | Class Companion

Scientists have studied how changes to the brain after childhood impact how teens react in social situations. This article explains the science behind embarrassment.

Remember when you could pick your nose in public or run outside in your underpants without a second thought? These days, you flood with embarrassment if your dad sings in front of your friends or you drop a tray in the cafeteria. What changed? Not the rules about nose picking or your father’s singing voice, but your brain.

It’s All in Your Head

Sometime during middle school, changes in brain activity transform how we see the world. Spending time with other kids becomes a top priority. Hormones power up the brain’s reward system, making hanging out with friends more fun than ever before. But these changes come with a downside. Fitting in becomes essential. Threat-detection systems focus on what other people think and scan for any hints of disapproval. Hormones push the brain’s shame and self-consciousness systems into overdrive. Because of these brain changes, teens start reacting more strongly to social problems. Scientists don’t know this just from surviving middle school—they have evidence from laboratory research. During a challenge like giving a speech, teens release more stress hormones and have higher blood pressure than kids or adults. Teens don’t even have to tackle a challenge to feel stressed. Even being watched over a video monitor makes teens sweat more than adults.

Words Do Hurt Like Sticks and Stones

Why do we use pain words, like “hurt feelings” and “brokenhearted,” to talk about problems with other people? Maybe because our brains react to physical pain and social rejection in the same way. Psychologists explore this connection between physical and social pain by measuring brain activity while people play a computer game called Cyberball.

In Cyberball, research participants play a game of catch online with two other players. At least, that’s what they believe is happening. In reality, the other “players” are fake, just part of the game’s programming. The game starts fair, with the players programmed to share the ball with the research participant. Then, with no warning, the players start throwing the ball only to each other, leaving the research participant out completely.

No big surprise—teens in these Cyberball experiments feel sad and rejected. The surprising part? Rejection activates the same brain systems that physical pain triggers. Brain scans show that rejection fires up the “Ow!” part of our brain that makes pain upsetting. Without this pain-response system, we would recognize physical pain, but it wouldn’t bother us. This physical pain system also responds to many kinds of social pain, like thinking about a breakup or being called boring.

Some people have especially reactive pain-response systems. A stronger “Ow!” brain response in the lab translates to people feeling more rejected, self-conscious, and sad in real life. Differences in pain-system reactivity may help explain why rejection hurts teenagers more than young kids. In Cyberball experiments comparing children to teens, teens activate brain systems related to pain and sadness more strongly.

Embarrassment Has an Unfair Advantage

Our thoughts and feelings depend on the balance between many different brain systems. Activity in one system can amplify or cancel out activity in another. Because our brains take more than two decades to develop, some brain systems come online sooner than others. Unfortunately, the systems that trigger embarrassment and fear of rejection fire up years before the systems that tame bad feelings.

Imagine a tug-of-war with fear of rejection, the desire to fit in, and self-consciousness all pulling on the same side. With nothing pulling against them, they easily drag in all sorts of bad feelings. This imbalance means even small problems, like tripping in the hallway, can trigger a wave of embarrassment.

Brain scans reveal that adults unleash a powerful defender to pull the brain back into balance. Adult brains quickly fire up systems to soothe anxiety and generate positive thoughts. These systems help balance out concern about what other people think, so adults feel less hurt and embarrassed by rejection.

Wouldn’t it be better if we could just turn off hurt feelings, embarrassment, and the desire to fit in? Probably not. Before modern society, people needed to belong to a group to survive. Without a group, people couldn’t find enough food or protect themselves. Fear of rejection forced people to behave well enough for the community to keep them around.

Our lives don’t depend on social acceptance anymore, but social pain is still helpful. Fear of rejection pulls on the right side in the tug-of-war against mean or selfish behavior. Shame punishes us for lying or cheating, even if we don’t get caught. Social pain hurts, but it also makes us nicer. Brain scans show that teens with strong pain-response systems give more support to other kids.

Unfortunately, knowing the benefits of social pain won’t save you from a flash of humiliation when your mom reminds you to take a “potty break” in front of your friends. But you can take comfort in reminding yourself that the pain makes you a better person. Maybe even one less likely to embarrass your own kids someday.

Objective Summary: 'Embarrassed? Blame Your Brain'

Group 1

Question 1a

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